Faith

I consider myself blessed. I was raised in a Christian home with two parents who were faithful to one another and God, showering my sister and me with love. At the young age of six, I felt God’s love calling me to a life dedicated to a relationship with him, and I responded. I grew in the security of his love and sought him with my whole heart into my teen years, when the enemy used some people to shake my foundation.

My security in God’s love was broken. God was no longer loving and accepting of me in my perception but angry and disappointed. I tried harder to win his approval, but nothing seemed to work. Under the influence of rejection and condemnation, I grew further away from my heavenly Father.

In my mid-twenties, during a time where I sought to regain what I lost with God, the enemy went to war. I experienced spiritual darkness and eventually turned to food for comfort. But I kept trying really hard to gain acceptance from God through being “good” and doing the right things. Guess what? That only made me feel farther away.

In my thirties, I found a church and group of friends who showed me love with no judgment. It was refreshing. Little by little, strides were made in reclaiming ground that was previously lost, but I still wasn’t free. I had head knowledge, but my heart seemed so far away.

In my forties, my relationship with God grew very shallow and distant. Frankly, I grew selfish. Years of believing lies about myself were coming to fruition, until some brokenness brought me to God. He began breaking through my walls and showing me his love for me.

That’s where I’m at right now. My heart still needs to find security in God’s love, but I’m taking it one day at a time. I want to be in love with God like I used to be. I cast aside the idol of food and am relying on God’s transforming power to be made new.